I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
