whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
