Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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