Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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