i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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