The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
