my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
