Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
