yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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