i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
