seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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