I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's shark week go big or go home
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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