Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Randomize
