Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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