at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it hurts more in the daytime
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
