T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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