The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
