I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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