someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
