I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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