She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
