am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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