it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
