And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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