real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
