I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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