Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
