she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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