I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
