And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
