Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
