Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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