Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
