The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
