his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
