Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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