I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
