Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
