I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
