I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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