Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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