she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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