I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
