I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
