Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
