He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
