I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
