Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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