I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
