matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i dont even know how to be here
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
